I painted a rock

October 23, 2012 | Category: personal ramblings, pics

I haven’t blogged and I’m finding it hard to start writing again. Writing, taking photos, painting, just about any creative endeavor requires playful consistency from me or my gears get rusty and resistant. Yesterday, I painted a rock. And then I took pictures of it. And now I’m writing. That’s how it’s done! My gears are squeaky and not smooth, but they are moving again. Happy sigh.

In a couple of weeks, I will have been back in Southern California for 6 months. I’ve been taking a little mental inventory of how I am and how things are for me. I’m amazed at how integrated I feel here. I have more connected friendships now than I did leaving Portland in June after living there for almost 2 years. Granted, a big reason for that is that, while in Portland, we were caregivers for Paul’s grandmother. The amount of time to connect with and invest in outside events and friendships was markedly more difficult and complicated. I wouldn’t give up the time we had with Grandma and I’m grateful to have the opportunity and freedom to create a more lush and fulfilled life replete with inspiring friends and fun, play-filled activities.

I cannot wait for the next 6 months. There are dear ones that I hope to hold even more dear.

I’m also meeting myself for the first time. I’m such a stranger to myself. Less so than ever before, and yet I feel like I’ve only met myself only a handful of times and only briefly. I find myself wondering if I’m the kind of person who wants brightly colored or dreadlocked hair, or colorfully dreadlocked hair. Do I like the fashions that are offered in the stores? What are my favorite hobbies? What do I want to create? Am I somehow who swears a lot and loudly, or quietly, or not at all? These sound like mid-life crisis questions, don’t they? And yet, I don’t feel at crisis. I feel more settled and at peace with myself and my world than at any other time in my life. Rather, it’s more like my rock. I feel solid and smoothed. And now I just enjoy thinking about what patterns I could use and what colors I could play with.

I carried my little rock around with me yesterday afternoon. I found different places to put it and take pictures of it. Sometimes, there were people nearby who looked at me oddly. I internally hesitated, not wanting to look silly or have them think I am strange. And then, suddenly, I didn’t care.

5 Comments

  1. Maria Little
    on October 23rd, 2012
    1

    Your photographs are amazing – excellent composition. Perfect use of the rock’s colors. Simple, yet grand.

  2. Anna Banana
    on October 23rd, 2012
    2

    Who is “I”? Do any of us know? Do we construct our “I” in different ways at different times? Does the way we construct “I” matter? Does it make us who we are? Where does the unconscious live and how can we access it? Is it important to access it? Or have we constructed the idea of consciousness and the unconscious to explain ourselves to ourselves? My advice to myself is to live in uncertainty and ambiguity; it is a very interesting place.

  3. Krishnabrodhi
    on October 23rd, 2012
    3

    It seems like you are in a sublimely powerful place where you are feeling less of a slave to external pressures and definitions of who you should be; and what you should like. And it also feels like you are even feeling free from the pressure to be consistently who you were and seeing every moment to chose what you want in the moment, not because you wanted it before… or because someone says you should want it… but the ever changing “you” that is moving through time and changing as she goes wants that right now… and is making a conscious choice. Very powerful place to be. :) <3

  4. sharlene
    on October 28th, 2012
    4

    I carry a rubber duck around and taken photos. Now that generates strange looks!

  5. Janece
    on October 29th, 2012
    5

    Sharlene – it’s been so long! It’s so nice to hear from you!! Thanks for stopping in! And I’ll have to see if I can spot some of those rubber duck photos on your site. I have a friend who takes a stuffed raccoon with him everywhere he goes and takes photos. Quite fun! :)

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