I haven’t blogged and I’m finding it hard to start writing again. Writing, taking photos, painting, just about any creative endeavor requires playful consistency from me or my gears get rusty and resistant. Yesterday, I painted a rock. And then I took pictures of it. And now I’m writing. That’s how it’s done! My gears are squeaky and not smooth, but they are moving again. Happy sigh.
In a couple of weeks, I will have been back in Southern California for 6 months. I’ve been taking a little mental inventory of how I am and how things are for me. I’m amazed at how integrated I feel here. I have more connected friendships now than I did leaving Portland in June after living there for almost 2 years. Granted, a big reason for that is that, while in Portland, we were caregivers for Paul’s grandmother. The amount of time to connect with and invest in outside events and friendships was markedly more difficult and complicated. I wouldn’t give up the time we had with Grandma and I’m grateful to have the opportunity and freedom to create a more lush and fulfilled life replete with inspiring friends and fun, play-filled activities.
I cannot wait for the next 6 months. There are dear ones that I hope to hold even more dear.
I’m also meeting myself for the first time. I’m such a stranger to myself. Less so than ever before, and yet I feel like I’ve only met myself only a handful of times and only briefly. I find myself wondering if I’m the kind of person who wants brightly colored or dreadlocked hair, or colorfully dreadlocked hair. Do I like the fashions that are offered in the stores? What are my favorite hobbies? What do I want to create? Am I somehow who swears a lot and loudly, or quietly, or not at all? These sound like mid-life crisis questions, don’t they? And yet, I don’t feel at crisis. I feel more settled and at peace with myself and my world than at any other time in my life. Rather, it’s more like my rock. I feel solid and smoothed. And now I just enjoy thinking about what patterns I could use and what colors I could play with.
I carried my little rock around with me yesterday afternoon. I found different places to put it and take pictures of it. Sometimes, there were people nearby who looked at me oddly. I internally hesitated, not wanting to look silly or have them think I am strange. And then, suddenly, I didn’t care.