After getting back from our nearly 3 week long vacation adventure in Southern California, I discovered fall had arrived.
It’s beautiful. And yet I’m, honestly, a bit shocked by it. I was gone for the early stages and it feels surreal to have come home and landed right in the middle of it. I find myself reveling in the beauty and saying to myself: “Fall is really here? How did that happen?”
The trees are brilliant in their colorful wardrobes (they must be so proud)… and the air is crisp with the promise of the coming holiday season. It’s incredible. The disconnect isn’t the season. The oddness I’m feeling is within. That feeling isn’t bad. I’m just noticing it. As I slow down to write this and be with myself, the feeling I have is one of not being synced up with the season around me. I don’t feel like it is still summer, but I haven’t moved into that internal autumnal space. This is unusual for me, because when fall comes, I feel the internal shift. I hear it, on the wind and in the movement of nature. This year, something else is at work. A different kind of shifting that hasn’t been proceeded by the usual messengers and their voices.
It sounds funny to myself, but I believe other seasons of change have given a promise of change – but one that I didn’t know of. This time, I know change is coming. I’m excited and I’m finding I’m fearful too. My heart is wanting to snap shut like a clam shell. I won’t allow it to close – but that knee-jerk instinctual desire is what I’m feeling.
I’ve been learning that fear isn’t something I can rely on. It has no credibility. Choices I’ve made, that have left me feeling safe and secure, have rarely been the choices that create a life that I love to live. I read a few weeks ago – a passing quote that I wish I had written down. It said something like: “if you make a major life decision and then immediately feel afraid… it’s probably the right decision.”