Seems like a lifetime ago… but at the beginning of this month, Paul, Amira & I went to the zoo with my Dad and Uncle Preston.  We had a really great day.  I’m only posting these photos now because I’ve been without Photoshop for a while now… and I just got it re-installed!  Yay!  More photos coming soon!

Here are a few highlights of our day:

Elephants are amazing, aren’t they? They are other-planetary, other-worldly, other-other, to me.  I look at them and see a creature that lives in a place I’ll never see or understand.  It’s hard to explain. In seeing them, I feel like I can see a reflection or a shimmer of light from the world they live in and experience, but I can’t actually know it.  Just beautiful.

Speaking of other-worlds, the sea otter. They transport me to a place of happiness and play.

The penguins. What a brilliant exhibit that lets the kids and the penguins interact like this!

Amira with two of her favorite men in the world - Uncle Preston and Papa!  She’s got good taste! 

This lovely restored carousel at the zoo is an irresistible magnet for Amira. Her ever-awesome Uncle Preston treated her to a ride.  You can see, it was a hit!

The ride home was no less perfect!

It’s been just over a week since my surgery. I went in, last Wednesday morning, very nervous and literally shaking. As they sat in me in the chair, hooked up the heart monitors, put me on an IV, I reminded myself to breathe. I watched my quickened heart beats on the monitor and willed it to slow. I didn’t have any success.

The doctor finally appeared and asked how I was doing. I mumbled something about as good as could be expected given the circumstances. He smiled and ran over one more time what was going to be done and how I would feel after I woke up from the anesthesia. I don’t remember getting sleepy or falling asleep.

I woke up to the doctor talking to me. They were finishing up something and he was telling me about it, but I have no idea what they were doing or even what he said. I can’t remember. I was shaking. I woke up terribly cold. Apparently, that’s normal.

The good news, the surgery was predicted to last 1-1/2 to 2 hours. I was done in an hour. My post-op pain was minor. It wasn’t until the 3rd day post op that I stopped focusing on my mouth and the soreness I felt. That day, the swelling had subsided enough that I could attempt a smile. And by myself, in front of the mirror behind the closed bathroom door, I did.

I have a confession. Prior to the surgery, I took photos of myself. I took them into Photoshop and tried to mimic what I might look like after the surgery. I blacked out the teeth I knew I was going to lose. I wanted to prepare myself.

Standing in the bathroom, looking at my smile, Photoshop or not, I wasn’t prepared. My heart sank and my stomach felt like it would turn inside out. It was worse, especially on the right side. My profile was horrible. I felt sick. The next two days, I talked with my lips pulled close together and my smiles clamped tight.

I won’t lie. I hate it. I can’t tell you how much. But, sometime over the weekend… I decided I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t shut down. It felt unnatural and worse it felt deadening. I’m an animated person. I love to smile and laugh. It’s what makes my life beautiful.

Over the last 5 days, I’ve smiled, laughed and been with my family, my friends, the cashier at the grocery store, the co-worker from Paul’s work and so on. I have twinges and pangs here and there. I feel the urge to pull back. But I don’t and I won’t. I still hope and pray that implants are possible and in my near future. But until then…

I’ll smile and love my life.

I can’t say thank you enough to my wise and beautiful friends who counseled and encouraged me. I’m doing, what not even a month ago, seemed to be impossible. I couldn’t imagine it. Yet, here I am. Thank you!

A quick email from my Aunt Karen reminded me that I haven’t posted to my blog. I’ve fallen into a habit of making little updates on my Facebook page, but that doesn’t keep the rest of you in the loop. Plus, it’s good for me to take time to write in concentrated chunks and not just one or two sentence liners. So, let’s catch up.

The last few days have been trial by pain. I’ve been fortunate up to this point to have no pain. About a week ago, it finally caught up with me and when it did… wow. You hear people say “There’s nothing like tooth pain.” — but boy… there is NOTHING like tooth pain. My dentist changed my meds and put me on a stronger antibiotic and more intense pain meds. For a while, the pain meds didn’t even put a dent in the pain. Either they are now working better, or the antibiotic is containing the infection more… but today, I’m doing 100% better. And for the record, I don’t know how people get addicted to these kinds of pain killers… I *hate* the way I feel on them. They give me a headache and make me just feel awful. My surgery is scheduled for the 22nd. I never thought I would say this, given my anxiety about losing my teeth, but at this point surgery day can’t come soon enough.

Psychologically, I’m still working my way through this situation. I have a dear friend back from my high school and college days that I’m going to get to see in a few days. I’m excited to see her and I don’t want to in the same breath. I hate that I have that internal back and forth every time I have the chance to get together with a friend. I am self-conscious about my teeth. (I’m already missing one and have another that is 3/4ths broken away.) After the surgery - I will have two teeth on each side missing. My friend Tabby is coming at the end of the month… a week or two after my surgery. I haven’t seen her in years. She knows and loves me and I know, of course, she will even with missing teeth. And, I deeply don’t want to see her because of this. I haven’t yet gotten into the space where I can just get past it…

Paul & I are committed to earning the money to get my teeth replaced. My incredible friend Dana is fund raising for me. If anyone has a fighting chance to get her mouth repaired, it’s me. I’m so fortunate. And I still wage these internal battles.

Night before last, I was searching online for additional ways to manage my pain. I found forum after forum with posts upon posts from other people out there dealing with pain like me. It broke my heart that so many people are without the means and resources to get the care they need. I don’t know the solution(s) for this - but it’s criminal that so many are dealing with this level of pain and threat to their health and lives.

Amira broke down into tears yesterday because she didn’t want me to be hurting. My sweet girl. She told me again and again, “I’ll take care of you Mama.” She gave me kisses on the cheek to make it feel better. She gave me tender hugs and then went to her Daddy for her own hugs of comfort. After the immediate wave of pain passed and I could think straight and be with her… I went to her, held her and told her I was going to be okay. I promised her that I would be. She looked at me with those big beautiful brown eyes and I could tell she needed that promise.

One of my friends read a book a while back that made the argument that we arrange our own challenges and experiences in life before we are born. Our souls make an agreement with God before we are born regarding what it is we are to go through and what we want and hope to learn through it. Because I haven’t actually read the book, I’m certain that I’m paraphrasing it poorly.

From that point of view, I can’t help by wonder why I would choose losing my teeth as a learning experience. And I feel a little betrayed by my eternal spirit for agreeing to put me through this.

But the idea that my eternal soul may be grown and transformed by these prearranged experiences has stuck with me. I’ve been looking at my challenges, internal and experientially, differently. What if my eternal spirit did agree to this struggle? If so, I certainly shouldn’t resist it. And even more than that, I should be embracing it wholly. What is there to learn? Who am I going to be through it? How can my experience, my personal learning and growth make a difference not only for my eternal spirit, but also for everyone else too?

Learning to smile, to live life freely and fully through a broken smile. That’s my experience to learn, grow and flourish in. Wish me luck - and thanks so much, already, for how you’ve supported and helped me on my way.