those cheapie, plastic teeth that you pick up at Archie McPhee’s. 
You all are incredible in your willingness to let me just write and express the raw emotions I’ve been going through. I had hoped that writing it out would help me move past it, and it did. Granted, I’m not happy or eager to continue through this, and I’m sure I will still shed a tear or two. And yet, I feel so much better. I don’t feel fetal. A combination of just letting it out like a good cry and receiving so much love and support - I feel good!
And today, I came across this quote by Henry Miller - which I’m certain is not a coincidence:
“Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves to defeat us in the end.
What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.“
This is going to be a one-time self-indulgent post. I shouldn’t even do it once. But it’s bothering me so much, I’m hoping by writing it out, it might lessen the power it has over me.
If you’d rather not read the mental twists and knots this teeth situation has me in, I invite you to skip it. I won’t be hurt.
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Last night, I had a specific, “real-time” dream of going in to get my teeth pulled. The dream began with me waking up from the anesthesia. I remember feeling very peaceful and rested, like I had just had the best night’s sleep. Then, the surgeon came into focus as I looked around to orient myself. He asked if I was feeling okay and told me everything went fine.
I remembered suddenly why I was there and my tongue felt around in my mouth. I felt the gaps where the teeth had been. I was surprised that I wasn’t feeling any pain, although I found I couldn’t talk (and actually couldn’t the rest of the dream).
I left the office and once I got home, I panicked. I worried I didn’t have gauze packs in to absorb the bleeding from the extractions and to help the healing process. Then suddenly, they were there. The rest of my dream was me trying to gingerly make sure the gauze stayed in place and hoping that I would heal okay.
I woke up this morning and thought to myself: at least that wasn’t a nightmare (which I’ve had) about my teeth. But now, as I’m moving through my day, I’m finding it hard to do what I need to through this wall of emotion. It’s like trying to run through thick molasses that’s up to your waist. I just want to curl up and cry.
I think part of it too is this. I’m still floored by the generosity of my friend Dana and the work she has taken on to help us and others like us. On the flipside, I’ve had a hard time with the judgment we’ve exposed ourselves too by sharing our situation and being the face for this kind of thing. Well meaning friends, acquaintances and strangers say things that cut to the quick. I know in my head some of it is sincere questioning in an attempt to understand how we could need SO MUCH money to get our teeth repaired and restored. (I say our, but in reality, 90% of the cost is for me alone.) Questions like:
- “What have you been eating?”
- “Is it gum disease?”
- “How come you just didn’t have dental insurance?”
- “Are you *sure* you aren’t being scammed by your dentist?”
- “Do you just not like to brush your teeth?”
- “It’s your own fault you are in this situation, why should I help you?”
And so on. I confess, as much as I want to be thick skinned and a potential (for lack of a better word) ambassador for awareness and education, for the ailing health and dental care system in America, and for understanding dental infection and disease… I didn’t expect the toll it would take on my psyche.
It’s horrible knowing I’m going to lose four very visible teeth and to not be sure whether I will have the money to replace them with implants. It’s horrible feeling like I don’t want to be seen in public again after the surgery. I’m missing one tooth now and I have another on the other side that is broken. Both are visible, but not horribly so. Just dealing with those has taken an unbelievable amount of willpower. My instinct is want to shut down and hide. I don’t want to smile. I force it. I think about it every time I talk to someone. Every time. I look in the mirror and wonder if there is a way I can change my smile, without holding my lips together, to not have the gaps in my teeth not be visible. (There’s not.)
And you know, it’s not the questions so much as the context of the questions that hurt so much. There’s assumption and judgment. Again, I understand that some of these were sincere with the goal of understanding how I could be in the situation I’m in now. I understand that. And, still it hurts.
I want to both hide my shame and fight back in anger at the same time. How dare so and so assume that I don’t eat well. Do I ask a cancer sufferer what they’ve been eating? We don’t do that. But cancer is just as much caused by diet as any caries infection. My dentist told me on our last visit: “Janece, you could have had impeccable diet and hygiene and you would still be in this situation. You have a bacterial infection that without intervention would and has done the damage you are now experiencing.” I didn’t know that, so how could have the person(s) who asked that question? And still… I’m hurt.
We have dental insurance though Paul’s work, but it will cover less than 4% of the work needed. I’ve had a second opinion and confirmation on the diagnosis, prognosis and treatment that I need. I brush and floss my teeth like everyone else. And yes, I’m at fault for this because I didn’t know what was happening in my mouth until I had my first abscess nearly a year ago. I’m at fault because for years, we prioritized our money in other ways because my dental health didn’t seem to be a concern. When you aren’t covered by insurance as a freelancer, you delay and forgo doctor and dentist visits if they don’t seem absolutely necessary. In hindsight, big, big mistake.
But listen to me, I’m trying to convince you. I’m trying to convince MYSELF that I’m not someone to look down on, or to judge, or to think lesser of. And I hate that.
And my biggest fear is how I’m going to live with 4 teeth missing and not become a recluse. I don’t know if I wrote about it here - but a few months back, I interviewed for a job. The job had a crew of people for me to meet with and be interviewed by. The first three went great, the fourth asked me this: “How long have you been drug-free?” I stammered a reply that I’m not certain made sense because I was so shocked by the question. I didn’t get a call back for a second interview. Could have been unrelated, but I have no way of knowing. It’s how it is - we judge by appearances. I judge by appearances… god, if I could change that…
I don’t know. How do I do it? How do I go to school interviews for Amira and not be afraid they are judging her and her capabilities because of how I look? How do I get over seeing people’s eyes shift down to the gaps in my teeth? How do I feel beautiful again? Where will I find the courage to smile? I hope it’s one of those things that when you get there, you find you have the strength you never thought you would… because I just don’t see it right now.
So get this! We Moments have a virtual date with the gorgeous Natalie and the entire Chicken Blog family! Yesterday, in the mail, Paul found a tiny pale blue envelope addressed to the ‘Moment Family’. We recognized that return address right away and had smiles on our faces before even opening it. The smiles on our faces rapidly overtook our hearts as we read an invitation from Natalie to a virtual picnic together. The date has been set, July 18th, and we will have cameras charged and CF cards purged and ready for action.
Natalie, you have NO IDEA how much this picnic invitation means. We are so looking forward to July 18th. Our hearts, as well as our picnic basket, will be brimming with goodness because of you! Thank you so very much.
By the way, Amira read the entire card and your note… getting stuck on only a few words (how proud am I?). She was as touched by it as we were!
Anyone else want to join in on the July 18th virtual picnic? Please do! Make a date of it, take a camera and let’s share a virtual picnic together. Doesn’t it sound wonderful? We’ll lift our glasses and toast what a gift it is to have incredible friends.
Right now, as I type, there is a fund raising event going on in New York City. A world renown pianist is playing and a premier cancer surgeon is speaking and incredibly smart and talented people are giving their time to be there. I sent Dana a short note to read at the event:
Two weeks ago, we were plunged into fear and emotional paralysis at the healthcare crisis we were suddenly facing. Eleven days ago, on a dime, this initiative took our fear and anxiety and transformed it into a sense of hope and possibility.
The depth of gratitude and support we feel… there isn’t a way to express it. For the last two weeks, instead of darkness, our lives have been filled with the light new friendships and daily inspiration. And most of all, it means so much to us that it has created the possibility of our situation being the doorway for others like us finding help too.
The fact that… you are here tonight and that there is something all of us can do, right now to make it a healthier and better day for each other and ourselves… inspires deep hope. We are excited by the belief that this initiative can spread, friend by friend, to build hope for the many other individuals and families who have found themselves in a crisis like we have. It really does make all the difference.
If you haven’t already, visit the Friend of a Friend Healthcare Initiative. And please consider passing it along to your friends. The more friends that are involved, the more people are helped!
I’m headed to the oral surgeon today for a pre-surgery exam and consultation. Wish me luck.
In other more interesting and enjoyable news, it’s a stunning morning complete with sunshine, cool breezes, birds singing, young ducks bobbing in the water, and Tova & Chaya playing happily in the field. There are gorgeous yellow water lilies in bloom at the water’s edge, reflecting in the water. I love being here.
I’ve been behind on posting photos. After my computer got hit with that malware/virus junk - I haven’t reinstalled Photoshop. I need to do that soon. I’ve got a lot to share with you. 
I’ll keep this short because I need to get Amira & I ready to leave for the ferry. Not the most exciting update, but an update.
Thank you everyone for your love and support! Have a great day!
Oh, and there are EXCITING things happening with the FOFHC Initiative (like how I abbrievated that?). It’s sprouting wings and will be bringing help and support to many more people. I’ll share more details soon.
Okay - I’m out. ♥
I have such a deep sense of gratitude knowing I have friends like Dana & Auguste who would so quickly jump to our side and stand with us through this.
I’m excited by the energy and possibility of what could come from this effort - beyond Paul & I. In the two days that this initiative has existed, I’ve heard 5 stories of friends and (how appropriate) friends of friends dealing with chronic dental health concerns without access to adequate care.
I’m going to be blogging my experience with this - not because I want to be a poster child for dental woes or missing teeth… rather because I hope my story will point to the many, many others who are going through this too. And instead of feeling fear and despair in my situation, I have opportunity to feel possibility and hope… for myself and others who are in similar circumstances.
Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else’s skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.
–Frederick Buechner
Click here to learn more about the Friend of a Friend Healthcare Initiative sponsored by Dana Roc Productions.
Last week was a very difficult week for Paul & I. We pulled together the resources to get into our dentist for comprehensive dental examinations. The news for Paul wasn’t good. The news for me was horrible.
This week, our friends Dana & Auguste decided to do something. I’m speechless:
From Dana:
Today I’m very happy to introduce my Friend Of A Friend Healthcare Initiative.
There are over 44 million Americans who are without healthcare. You know some of them. They are your coworkers, your friends, your family - maybe even you.
Today I’m coming to you on behalf of my own friends, Janece and Paul, who find themselves in the middle of a serious dental health crisis without the resources to pay for medical treatment.
We can’t immediately help everyone, but we can make a difference for their family, and maybe many others.
Click here to learn more about how you can help!
