Busy weekend!  We are getting the house ready to list.  Paul & I spent the weekend remodeling the bathroom downstairs.  We bought new baseboards, a vanity and a new bathroom light.  We tore out the old vanity (so needed to go!), tore out the old and put down new tile on the floor, prepped the walls for painting and Paul painted new baseboards and cut them for installation.  Now that the walls are sanded and prepped, I’m going to be painting today.

Yesterday was full with church in the morning, a short afternoon nap (Thank God for those!!), and then we headed out with Mom & Dad to look at some new townhomes being built in the area.  If we sell, Mom & Dad are considering buying two townhomes in the same development.  They would live in one and rent the other to us.  The townhomes that we looked at were okay.  After touring a few of the units, I was discouraged because the detail work just wasn’t up to par.  I’m detail-oriented when it comes to looking at homes and how they are built.  It’s one thing to move into an older home and need to do upgrades and repairs… but a brand new place?

There is another development that Mom & Dad looked at that is still under construction. I haven’t seen it yet.  They said it was apparent that these homes were being built with higher quality construction practices and materials.  The downside is, of course, with better quality comes higher prices.  Unless we got more out of our home than we are expecting — I don’t think Mom & Dad would be able to afford two of those townhomes.  We’ve told them that they need to take care of themselves first.  I’d much rather see them in the nicer townhouse - not to mention resale value and so on.

We are still in research mode.  I have calls into a couple of tax experts/lawyers asking how we should approach our situation with the IRS.  Our first priority is protecting Mom & Dad, so that’s what I’m trying to find out.  Would they be safe if they just bought out our portion of the equity in our current home?  Or would the IRS look suspiciously on that?  Bottomline, what is the safest option for insuring that Mom & Dad’s equity is not at risk.  I’m hoping that I’ll find out some answers on this today.

Years ago, Paul & I started tiling our bathroom floor.  And I do mean years ago.  Today, I finished it.  In one day.  Sigh.  When will I learn to just take something on.  I had in my head that it would take forever and would be wickedly difficult cutting the tiles for odd shapes and spaces, etc.  But no, it went together quite nicely and looks great.

We *should* have been living with a fully tiled bathroom for years.  Now, we’ll get to enjoy it for 2 months or so until we move.  I said I wasn’t go to procrastinate home projects after the last two homes we sold.  Did it again though.    Maybe third time is a charm and I’ve learned my lesson.  I’m going to declare it!  I’ve learned my lesson.  I won’t be made a fool of by my procrastination again.

It tends to mean that something is going on in my world and I don’t know how to write about it. So, without thinking about it too much, here’s the scoop:

As I’ve mentioned before, Paul & I are dealing with some rough financial times. Partially due to business troubles and partially due to the 2 years back taxes owed. While we are doing what we can to handle everything - Paul & I decided that it would be best to untangle our finances with Mom & Dad. We don’t want to risk them being impacted negatively by anything that might happen to us in the coming year or so. Because of this, we want to put the house up for sale (which we co-own with them).

Paul & I bought our first house in 1996 and have owned homes since. The last two we have co-owned and lived with my parents. Living in a blended home has been a great experience, and even more so with Amira now. With the sale of our home, there is a possibility that we won’t be with Mom & Dad any more. It makes me really sad to think about. And, I cry when I think about leaving Butternut Hollow. It’s not a perfect place by any shot - but it has become home. It has endeared itself to me over the last 5 years that we’ve been here.

So, we are doing things like touch-up painting here, repair a shower faucet there, and generally getting everything ready to put it on the market. I hate the untangling of myself from my home… turning it back into just a house.

That’s why I’ve been quiet. I’ve been immersed in all the details of beginning to get our home ready to put on the market… and at the same time, preparing myself for it as well.

Tuesday evening I went to bed with a mild sore throat.  Hell hath no fury like Wednesday morning, though.  Okay, maybe not hell - but sheesh.  I woke up with chills, fevers and oh my gosh the ache!  I hurt so bad.  Amira woke me up at 5:30am and by 8:30 I had to wake up Paul and ask for help with Amira.  I was shaking so badly.  Paul (graciously, I might add) took care of Amira while I tried to boil some warmth into my bones in the tub.  It didn’t work and I ended up in bed under my sheet, down comforter, quilt and another down blanket.  I passed out and slept until early afternoon.  I managed to make it through the rest of the day — (taking two more baths trying to warm up) and was in bed by 9pm.

Today is day 3, and I’m almost 100% again.  The sore throat doesn’t want to leave.  If I don’t keep drinking constantly my eyes water when I swallow.  Oh, and a mild headache.  But otherwise, functional again.

I should be back up to speed here soon (on all levels).  I’ll update you soon.  (Oh, and my computer memory is shot and gives me only 5-20 minute windows to work in before it either freezes or crashes.)  Fun-fun! 

More soon!  I hope all is well with you guys! 

I’m heads-down doing training today. I love studying and learning. I feel excited and nervous about this because I’m learning how to succeed. I feel more tentative about that… I wonder things like “Can I pull it off?” “It sounds easy enough, but can I do it?” and so on…

But I know I can. I do. I’m excited because these things are what I need to do to kick some ever-lovin’ booty with my business! I’ve never been so ready to have something succeed wildly.

So, wish me luck and superior memory skills…

It’s going to take me until lunch to finish this… next time I’ll half the recipe!

• 4 tbsp Nutiva Chocolate Hempshake
• Living Fuel Super Berry
• 1 cup water
• 1/2 cup Helios Nutrition Organic Kefir (peach flavor)
• 1 tbsp TheraSweet
• Country Life Liquid Calcium/Magnesium
• 1 med banana

Amira woke up this morning in a unusual mood. She was content to sit on the couch and watch Blue’s Clues videos. And my girl?… she’s not the sit still on the couch kind of girl. I thought it was kind of odd but didn’t think much about it.

She likes me to be around, but is fairly independent. This morning, she didn’t want me to leave the room and kept saying: “Mama sit on the couch too?” I gave her a kiss and said I would in a bit but that I couldn’t right then… and didn’t think much more about it.

Later in the morning, Paul got up and gave Amira a hug. She had been sitting hugging one of her stuffed animals, a big black bear with a red bow around his neck. He mentioned to me, “Wow, she’s toasty under that bear.” Again, I didn’t think much of it.

Then, as we were getting ready to head out to lunch with her Nana & Papa, I scooped her up to find some clothes (yeah, she was undressed all morning… she would much rather be out of clothes than in and if it isn’t important, I don’t mind indulging her). As I pulled her too me, I felt how warm her body was. Uh oh, I thought. She’s sick.

I don’t know what she has except for a fever. She’s good natured and really wants only to curl up on the couch with me and snuggle. And for me, at this point in my life, if I’m not moving, I’m falling asleep.

Put all these pieces together and today has been a curling up on the couch snuggling with my warm, soft  and sweet baby girl, drifting in and out of sleep.

Nice day, really. 

For those of you who might be interested… Here’s the nutshell report on what I found out from my lab reports and my follow-up conversation with my naturopath:

• I’m not absorbing protein or calcium
• My liver is sluggish at detoxifying my body
• I don’t have any food allergies save an intolerance to sesame
• My blood sugar is just fine - no concerns or signs of pre-diabetes
• I have low stomach acid
• My white blood count is elevated
• I have a bacterial and parasitic infections
• I have hypothyroidism
• I have dysbiosis (meaning the bad bacteria have taken over in my GI sytem)

First stage treatment:

• Thyroid prescription (levoxyl)
• Begin to address the fact that I’m not absorbing nutrients. To do:
• take 1 tsp of apple cider vineager (1x/day)
• drink lemon water (3x/day)
• take Betaine HCL / Pepsin with each meal (adding pills until I hit the point of heartburn and then backing down just a bit… this will let me know when I have enough stomach acidity to aid with proper digestion)
• Drinking Living Fuel protein smoothie 2x/day (easier form of protein to digest)
• Begin a regimen for kicking out the bad and nasty bacteria:
• take lots (and lots!) of probiotics
• take anti-microbial herbs (ParaBiotic Plus)
• take herbal immune system booster (EHB)
• Drinking Living Fuel Berry or Greens shake 2x/day (these shakes contain high levels of nutrients and probiotics)

I think I got everything. There is a fair amount of seriousness in treating this. As it was explained to me, when your body is unable to absorb protein and nutrients… you overall health begins to decline with some serious consequences over time. My doctor is looking at my doing a liver detox program in a month or so. She said trying to do that plus the regimen I’m starting now would be too overwhelming for my body. She said I would feel miserable and it would be too taxing on my body to do it all at once. Everything one step at a time.

My breakfast shake this morning was:

• Living Fuel Super Berry
• Living Fuel Living Protein
• 1/2 cup frozen black cherries
• 2 tbsp xylitol
• 1 oz Country Life Liquid Calcium-Magnesium

I’m going to be pretty familiar with this shake and variations of it (mostly different fruits and swapping out the Super Berry with the Super Greens). I need to have that shake at least 2x a day.

My ND indicated that I should start seeing and feeling changes within a week or two. I have a follow-up appointment to see where things are in early May. I’ll keep you posted.

Tomorrow afternoon I have my 2nd appointment with my naturopath. I’m looking forward to it and a little nervous. I’m curious as all get out about the results of my blood tests. So much so, that I bumped my appointment up from Friday morning to Thursday afternoon. Silly, I know. But a girl’s gotta know!

(below are combined snippets from emails that I sent to some close friends recently…)

Yesterday, I spent the day trying to coordinate going to a training seminar in Baltimore. If I had been able to do it one day earlier, I could have worked it out. Between airfare price increases and the number of available flights disappearing… I had to give up.  But I’m not giving up my purpose.  Now, I’m looking into a study-at-home version of the training.

See, I’m on a war path of sorts. Here’s the story:

I’ve been buried in taxes last and this week. Unfortunately, as I’ve been working along, it has gotten more discouraging. I knew this before, but with the numbers plainly before me, Paul & I have a long hard road ahead of us. We owe Uncle Sam *a lot* of money.

As far as why we owe so much… it’s a combination of things. 1) You pay taxes plus self-employment taxes on your earnings… which puts us in a high level tax bracket (between 30-35%). 2) In an ideal world, you should immediately put aside that 30-35% out of each check you receive for taxes. We weren’t able to and didn’t do that because we were going through some tough times financially over the last 2+ years. So, we owe taxes for 2004, 2005 and shortly 2006.

We are still working with the IRS on the 2004 and 2005 taxes and coming up with a payment/installment agreement with them for those 2 years. The scary thing is there is a possibility that the IRS will not allow us to arrange a payment plan for 2006. If that’s the case, I don’t know what we will do. But, we have to take one thing at a time.  All the while that we are working to work out and pay those 3 years… 2007 taxes are piling up. We have 2007 1st Quarter Estimateds due on April 16th. And due to some lame circumstances, I don’t think we are going to be able to pay that bill. That means penalties when 2007 taxes are filed. It’s just a nasty nasty domino effect and a tough one to get out off once you are in it.

Back to my war path…

The IRS bill is going to be crazy high.  I have chosen to be responsible for that bill and am committed that it not be on Paul’s shoulders. He has been working incredibly hard and has provided for us so that I could be home with Amira… and before that, only have to work at a minimal level. I want to honor that hard work and make a huge difference for him and us and create the income needed to pay off our tax bill (and my big dream, the last portion of our personal debt as well).

I’m convinced that if I have the foundational training and tools, that I can make a huge contribution to our finances and our financial future while still being here for Amira. My stay-at-home business has been good to me, but I haven’t invested myself in it at the level that I am committing myself to from today on.

My business mentor recently recommended a training course to me (the one in Baltimore). Of the people who have taken the course and implemented it, all of them have been able to grow their stay-at-home businesses exponentially.  And that’s what I’m talking about here!  Since I couldn’t make it to Baltimore, I’m working towards the next best thing… training seminar at home!  I’ve got some logistics to coordinate (primarily financial) to make this happen.  But, I’m committed and will find a way.

I’ll keep you posted.  My commitment is that you & I will be able to look back at this post in 6 months and say “sheesh… woman got her groove on!!!“ 

I wrote an entire post about this incredible little girl in my life and lost it due to a server connection problem. Irritating and disappointing! It captured what I was hoping to share with you about Amira. I’ll try again soon.

Until then, I will just tell you how beyond lucky I am to be Amira’s mama.

I will tell you that God undeniably graced Paul & I with Amira in our lives. We marvel at her presence. We wonder not only who she is but who she will be.

We thank God that we are the lucky ones who are given the gift and responsibility of being her parents.

May God guide and direct us and give us wisdom and ability beyond ourselves.

I’ll tell you how I know that she is not mine.

I tell you that it is only for a short time that I have the gift of being able to nuzzle her sweet and warm neck, bury my face in her curly hair and smell her scent, and scoop her up tight and hold her close.

These are all limited time offers.

I will not let these days pass me by.

Not a single one.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e e cummings

“Your greatest adventure is what lies ahead!

Today and tomorrow, are yet to be said.

The choices, the changes are all yours to make.

The mold of your life is in your hands to break.”

~The Hobbit

endless, deep purple, originally uploaded by janece.

More from me soon… I promise.

Day 33 || Confessional, originally uploaded by janece.

I set out to do the 365 days, not knowing what it would be like. Like I said on Day 1, I’ve had a compulsion to be out of view (both literally and figuratively) for as long as I can remember. At the beginning, I felt intensely the need to hide and obfuscate myself. That’s fading. Now, I’m wanting to find more ways to be creative, expressive, and fearless. I’m also finding more bits of myself that I find attractive again (inside and out). A little thing, I haven’t worn makeup for years… and now I am again.

I haven’t looked myself in the face, again literally or figuratively, for so long. 365 days has made me do that.

And you know what? I’m starting to like myself.

Once a week, Dad & I head out for a lunch together. It’s a nice time of chatting and just being together.

Today was our day. Not certain what we wanted to eat, we headed to the food court at the mall. While eating my lunch, the mall’s tagline inserted itself into my consciousness. “Defining You.” The more I thought about it, the more I didn’t like it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be defined by the mall, or anything that I can buy there…