I have a habit of avoiding the camera. I don’t avoid using the camera but in being in the photos. I have an ability to subtly and covertly back out of most any shot. Some people catch me at it and call me on it — but more often, I get away with it.

This afternoon, I didn’t get away with it. Paul was taking some pictures and noticed my backing out of the photo shuffle.  I was in a shot or two.

A few moments later, I found myself out the camera’s eye. I had unconsciously worked my way back out of the action. Because I feel too big, awkward, or not at ease in my own skin - I stay out of the picture. I don’t want to see pictures of myself feeling and looking too big, awkward and not at ease. This started me thinking about my avoidance of cameras. And more specifically, what that habit points to.

I can think of points where I’ve backed out of action in my life for the same reasons. When I apply my rational brain to it, it doesn’t make much sense. Backing out of the action? I. Don’t. Think. So.

As a symbolic line drawn in the sand, I decided to do what I dread. There’s a pool on Flickr where people take a self-portrait every day for 365 days. I’ve joined.

Anyone want to join me?

… she says,

“flmango, mama?”

Paul left Honolulu last night at 11pm and arrived here at SEATAC around 9:30am. He got off the plane in shorts and t-shirt. Heading for the parking garage - Paul could feel he was underdressed for the weather. We pulled a sweater out of his bag for him to wear and headed for home.

When we pulled into the driveway, there was a good inch of accumulated snow. We proceeded to make mini-snowmen and snowballs (which were thrown, of course).

For her Daddy - who is an ocean away from his little girl tonight…

The rough draft of this painting is complete. One section for each day of the week. It needs some refining in a couple of places, but in general - I’m pleased with the results.

Getting Amira to be still long enough for a photo is hard work these days. I got lucky here as she watched a group of ducks fly by outside…

I read Electrolicious, Ariel Meadows Stallings blog. I love reading it and imagine myself as more hip and well… offbeat. And I deeply love that she slips words like solipsistic into her posts. Of all the blogs I read, Ariel’s has become one of the top of my list. I read her blog and think, “I’d like to be friends with her.” I mention Ariel and her blog because she’s recently published a book called Offbeat Bride.

Paul & I got married 13 years ago. When we got married - the most alternative thing I did was spend less than $1000 for our wedding and keeping my last name. That and I was so relaxed before the wedding that I napped in the church’s nursery before the ceremony. Otherwise, everything was pretty traditional. Not specifically because I wanted it that way - but because I didn’t know there were other possibilities. I mean, at that point in time, I didn’t even know that I was the kind of person who would love an offbeat wedding.

Enter Ariel’s book. If I’d had something like Offbeat Bride 13+ years ago… imagine what I could have done with that $835 dollar wedding. To be clear, for the time, place and context, I loved Paul & I’s wedding. It’s just who I am today doesn’t match the wedding we had then. Maybe that’s normal… everyone is going to change over 13 years (or at least, let’s hope so). That’s what has me thinking about a “re-wedding”. In 2008, Paul & I will have been married 15 years. I’m thinking a “re-wedding” may be in order. In preparation for that day, I’ll be picking up Ariel’s book.

Oh, check out the website for Offbeat Bride and up and coming readings…

Sick again! Ugh. Thankfully it is more of a head cold/congestion kind of thing and I don’t feel completely out for the count. But really! I’m fairly convinced Amira & I got it from one of her classmates in her Sunday School room last week. Oh well - this is part and parcel with the early years, yes?

Speaking of the early years… um, potty training. I’ve read articles here and there… and even books on the topic. Somehow though, I still feel a little left in the dark. Amira doesn’t like her diapers. At all. I can’t count how many times she has stripped herself out clothes and diaper and I find a naked toddler running through the house…

Anyway, yesterday, we were working on potty training. It could be categorized as a complete failure (if you judge it by how many times she used the potty versus wetting her paints). Today, I asked her if she wanted to wear her undies like a big girl and she said: “Nooo! … Diaper, please.” (I wish I could share with you her intonation… it’s really something.) Anyway, she hates wetting herself - but seems completely unconvinced of the value or need to go in the toilet. So, part of me thinks… am I suggesting this transition too early? Is she not ready? My mom thinks I’m behind in teaching her because apparently I was potty training at 18 months. And, my friend Dana… well, she had a conversation with her daughter when she was 2 1/2 and she was potty trained after that. A conversation! That’s it. Sigh. I’m missing something here…

I do feel in the dark about this - but at the same time, I’m not stressed out about it. I know it will happen and that Amira’s not going to go to her high school prom in Depends. It will happen. I just want to make the transition as smooth and painless as possible for both our sakes.

…< /end potty-training rant >

I was poking around on Flickr groups this afternoon, looking once again at the new art posted. I need to find other groups as well, but right now, I watch the following groups:

• Your Art - Not Photography
• Abstract Paintings
• Painting
• To Paint or Not to Paint
  
• Oil Painting

Clicking through the various submissions, I’m amazed at the endless differences in approach and technique in art. And of course, these links are painting… it doesn’t even touch on sculpture, photography, printmaking and so on.

I was also fascinated by the sheer number of people that feel the urge to create art. I grew up in a family that, while they appreciated art, they didn’t feel the need to create it. It wasn’t something I was exposed to until college and becoming best friends with Paul. I would sit in the art rooms with Paul and watch him and classmates working on their art projects. I was entranced. And intimidated. I felt like an outsider but found myself wanting and wishing to be on the “inside”. It wasn’t until sometime in the first year of Paul & I’s marriage that I decided to try my hand at painting. I did one, maybe two, paintings and then quit. Part of it was time, part of it was space.. but I think a fair amount of it was fear and intimidation again.

It’s been incredible to be painting again. I found myself wondering what I would be doing now if I had continued and not stopped. Artwork is evolutionary. It grows and is shaped as you are. (…and sometimes vice versa too.) I read a quote recently:

“Art is a leap into the dark.“

–Picasso

It totally has been. The more I let that be okay and not compulsively grope around for a light switch… the more fun it has been.

These two paintings are outside of what I would instinctually do.  That said, it has been intriguing. It was suggested to me that I do a series and just see where it takes me for a while. I like the idea. I just started a third painting this afternoon. I’ll show you how it turns out.  (good or bad…) 

I did this painting yesterday - inspired by the painting I’m doing for my Body of Art project. I really like how this painting turned out. There is a depth and energy to it when you look at it that is really great. I’ve been frustrated trying to take a picture of it… because the photo seems to flatten the colors and kill the energy. A picture from the side seemed to show it a little better.

I need to figure out a better way to take these photos. They are representative - but I feel like they could do a little better in terms of color matching and detail.

I worked on another painting today that was inspired by this one that I’m doing. It’s an interesting direction that I’ve never explored before. That’s the fun in this process. Remembering that the creative world is wide wide open.

Yellow isn’t usually a color that I think of as a favorite of mine. Over the last few weeks though, I’ve found it warming and cheering me.

Dad bought Mom roses for Valentine’s Day. They were the most gorgeous color of yellow. The shock of color brought into the house by these roses were like a fresh warm breeze.

I bought a new lamp for my desk several days ago. It is a tulip shaped glass mosaic with yellow, pink, purple and almost a hot pink. It’s better than it sounds. The light it gives off is a warm and cozy yellow glow.

At my computer, I’ve lit tea lights and worked day and night in view of their yellow flames.

I’ve been painting with yellow… which I dug out of the very bottom of my paint basket (because I have so rarely used it).

I read once in my color theory studies that yellow can increase your concentration. It is sunny and optimistic and also intense. It has high energy. I’m thinking this is why I’m feeling this yellow affinity. In the middle of challenges, frustrations and unaccomplished goals - I feel resolute, encouraged, and ready to succeed.

This is work in progress is part of my Body of Art project.  I’ve split the canvas up into 7 sections and will paint one section a day.  Here are two days worth, with 5 more to go (sorry the picture isn’t a little better… I took it at night and that makes the lighting tricky):

I’m painting each section considering and reflecting on how I feel that day.  The interesting part of this process is painting each day something that depicts where I am that day and will create a complete and cohesive work at the end of the week.  It’s a fun challenge.