After my “great declaration of 2009 that I must write”, I haven’t done much of it, have I? At least, not here. I have been writing in my journal and that’s been good. I also decided last week to take part in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).  This might be a little insane, but it feels like the right and good kind of insane.  If all of you, my sweet and dear readers, haven’t abandoned hope of updates on this site… I hope you start checking back in.  Your thoughts and comments are always so wonderful and welcome.

Weekend before last, Paul, Amira, Mom, Dad & I went to Whidbey Island.  We stayed at Fort Casey Inn. I have a lot of pictures from that weekend to share with you.

These are from the rocky and driftwood filled beach at Fort Casey.

We had the most perfect weather (well, except for not enough wind for kite-flying, which caused Paul a little frustration).

The beach was our next to last stop of the weekend.

Paul & I couldn’t remember when we had a weekend like this.  It was spiritually awakening, renewing, and energizing.  The beauty was nearly more than I could hold.

Amira spoke of never going home.

The weekend was filled with beautiful, sweet, peaceful, happy, and joyful moments.  One lapping on top of the other.

This morning, as Paul was leaving for work, I told him how wonderful it was that our family name has only become more appropriate and meaningful.  With each day, we have become more immersed in today, in now, in this and every moment.  We are so glad we are the Moments.

Amira & watched the rain turn to snow this morning. Not only did it turn to snow, but it came down in the largest, most beautiful flakes I think I’ve ever seen.

A lot of folks were annoyed that it was snowing, yet again. I really couldn’t find it in myself to feel that way. Amira was delighted, I was delighted and the beauty of the snow fall was ’stop-in-your-tracks’ stunning.

The snow is covering that beautiful knit cap on Amira’s head. I’ll have to take another picture so you can really appreciate it. Our beautiful and dear friend Wave made it for Amira. It’s a work of art. Just beautiful.  (Thanks again, Wave!)

Sunday had to be one of the most fun days I’ve had in a very long time.  After waking up to nearly 10″, Ahmis, Paul, Amira & I spent a good chunk of our day playing in the snow.  It snowed the entire time we were outside, so the snow continued to pile up.  By the end of the day, we were at nearly a foot of snow.

Amira decided that lounging in the snow was “very comfy!”

Ahmis & Amira were our resident snow angel experts.

And for the record, Ahmis has to be one of the very coolest people on the planet!

My camera batteries ran out pretty quickly - so there aren’t pictures of the “Great Snow Sledding Extravaganza of 2008.”  I don’t think I’ve gone sledding since I was maybe 12-13 years old.  How terrible is that?  And I had so much fun, I nearly lost my voice from the screaming and hollerin’ I did!  I had smile creases in my cheeks from it all.

And, much to the three adults surprise, we were all still going strong when Amira stated “I’m tired” and headed inside.  We were all pretty proud of have both worn out and outlasted the 4-year-old! 

I don’t think it could have been a more perfect day.

Yep, the pond is completely frozen over.  The ducks have skedaddled out of the water, presumably when they felt the tickle of crystallizing water turning to ice on their little feathery butts.   I have to give them credit, they waited as long as possible before leaving.

My morning has been spent coordinating our upcoming trip to Coos Bay for our family Christmas. I thought it was going to be quick and easy - but it’s taken the entire morning and all the details still aren’t quite wrapped up.  Oh well, it’s the fun kind of work — when you know the result is going to be time with each other and family. 

The dogs are going to be staying with Ahmis.  It’s going to make the trip easier for us, although (I confess) I’m going to miss them.  They are so much a part of my daily life that it feels strange to not have them with me, even on a trip.  They are going to be happy as clams though with Aunt Ahmis.  They adore her and being with her is second nature to them.  They won’t even miss us! 

Well, I’d better get back to it.  More soon I hope… when I have some time to sit down and just be for a bit.

Amira was up until 10:30pm last night.  We finally got our tree set up and decorated and it was well worth a late night.  I love the tree and the cozy Christmas feel the house has.

Amira declared our tree “fluffy and very tall!”  She’s right on both counts.  The tree smells amazing.  And suddenly, the cold wintery weather suddenly feels perfect and as it should be.

Each day, Amira greets me with an enthusiastic “Merry Christmas, Mama!”  Merry Christmas indeed, baby girl.

I’ve got this stuck in my head!  She sings it to herself all the time… and then I find myself singing it too.

And if you are wondering where you heard it before… think early 80s, Sixteen Candles… and the original version by Altered Images

I spent this morning packing bedding, clothes, coloring and reading books, and snacks for Amira.  She’s going with her Nana & Papa to Camp Casey on Whidbey Island.  She’s ecstatic about her impending “Camp Casey Adventure!” This afternoon, we’ll board the ferry and drop her off with Nana & Papa.

Would you believe this will be the first time I’ve been away from her more than say, a half day, since she was born?

This photo was on the way to Camp Casey last year.  She was a day shy of her 3rd birthday.

It’s probably long overdue for Amira to have her first adventure without her mama. I didn’t intentionally keep her from going anywhere on her own (or us going somewhere on our own without her) - it’s just how it worked out over the past years.

She’s excited, and I’m excited for her.  And, I’m feeling, officially, the end of that always-in-your-arms or at-your-side era.  I don’t feel stressed about it, or overly sad or distraught.  But I wouldn’t be honest to imply I don’t feel a tinge of melancholy in the midst of my joy and delight at seeing her grow and creating connections and relationships to the world that are 100% her own.

I love being with Amira as she takes on new challenges.  This fence is about 6 feet tall at the top.  She started to climb it. I figured, since it was the first time she’d climbed this fence, she’d stop well before the top.  On this day, she kept going.  She carefully and easily went up, over and back down again.

That sense of accomplishment, of having won what you were up against is amazing!  I don’t feel that much because I just don’t push myself enough.  I’m adding that back into the scope of my days.  Amira is a challenging and demanding teacher.

More teachers, this time in canine form.

The dogs are doing great.  I think Tova has decided, as of yesterday, that Chaya is here to stay.  I think Chaya is starting to come to the same conclusion.  For a 4 1/2 month old, she’s been an exceptional girl.  I have much to learn about training a Dane, as their temperaments are different than so many other dogs.  I had the same learning curve with Tova, as training him was a specialized effort.  What worked and motivated him was different than any other dog I had met.  Chaya is different than Tova.  It’s all good.  It keeps me on my toes, being sensitive to the individuality of these dogs.   They teach me patience, understanding, attentiveness, and perseverance.  All really good lessons.

I’m thankful for all the teachers I have in my life.  They are everywhere and everyone.  I’m lucky I have so many opportunities to learn and grow.

Amira was so excited to go trick-or-treating.  We headed into downtown Poulsbo and joined the throng of revelers (wow, did they ever come out in droves!) walking up and down the avenue.  I got separated early on from Paul & Amira because I had decided it would be “a good idea” to bring Chaya along with us.  Sweet Chaya was, to say the least, overwhelmed by the number of people and how very *different* everyone looked.  There were certain costumed passersby that she would stop and not move one inch until they were out of her site.  She enjoyed meeting the kids who were intrigued by her, but the intensity of this
“socialization event” was more than she was expecting.  I didn’t expect it to be as hard on her as it was.  Given this, we went at a snail’s pace.  It was good learning and practice for me and the puppy.  But, I was disappointed to not be walking along the streets with Amira & Paul.

Amira declared the evening a triumph: “That was the best Halloween ever!  Thank you, thank you!”

It was a lot of fun to see all the kids, parents and gaggles of teens milling about.  Even the pets were brought into the festivities.  We saw a pug dressed up as a pig, a standard poodle parading as a giant pumpking, and a few daschunds slinking about as lizards.

Oh and surprise of surprises, the relentless rain… relented.  The clouds parted and we had enormous sunset lit clouds and then stars splashed across the sky’s canopy.  Gorgeous evening for Halloween!

Amira draws these little guys about 85-90% of the time.  She calls them ‘Growly Gus’.  They vary in details - but they are always present.  I thought Growly Gus was a perfect little Halloween character for today. 

Thursday, I had started to think I was “feeling better”. Friday morning, I felt differently. Turns out that Ahmis was feeling the same way. We decided to have dinner together that evening. She brought comforting mashed potatoes and delicious green beans and a garden-fresh vegetable plate.  We brought baked halibut and an addictive and tasty fresh fruit salad filled with asian and red pears, apples, pomegranates and bananas covered in cinnamon and agave syrup.  Every time we come together for meals with Ahmis, we find ourselves lavished in tasty abundance.  It always starts humbly with, “I’ve got a little of this… and oh, that…” and the other saying the same… but the variety and deliciousness of the meals are always something to boast about.

Saturday morning, Amira & I went down to see Ahmis and wish her a happy vacation.  Having given hugs all around, we watched her car pull away.  My heart was still heavy and it felt hard to see Ahmis go.  I spent the rest of the morning with Amira, playing, reading, drawing and cuddling.  Amira asked me repeatedly, “Mama, are you okay?”  Through my best efforts of being “normal”, she could still see and feel my spirit. Even being with my girl, so full of the joy and happiness in each moment, I couldn’t shake the weight. I felt it in my heart, mind and body.

I pushed myself to my easel, deciding that it would be good for me.  As I painted, I remember that I had missed my first painting challenge last Wednesday.  I didn’t paint long.  It didn’t feel that great.  Still, I put away the brushes feeling a version of better.

It wasn’t more than 15 minutes later that I got a call from Deb wondering if we would be around.  Her son, Archer, and Amira are good friends and I called her right away saying, “Yes please come!”  I was grateful that my home was actually in decent order and I would be able to open the doors to their family without my customary caveats, excuses and internal cringes.

They arrived and there was instant energy and life on the property and in the house.  Archer beelined it straight for Amira and they let the playing commence!

And did I mention?  Archer and his family have a new puppy.  She came along too.  Her name is Prudence.

Ahmis had warned me that Prudence looked like a “mini-me” of Levity — and as you can see, she certainly wasn’t kidding.  She’s half lab and half boxer and all happy, rambunctious puppy!  Tova has been very depressed.  His sweet face broke into the first smile I’ve seen from him since Levity’s death.  He even broke into a run for a while chasing Prudence through the yard.

Their visit was a much needed one and we, all of us, were grateful.

This is the view from our deck.  I stare out over the pond and property and so far, without fail, my eyes well with tears and my heart lurches uncomfortably.

(Please indulge me while I write this out.  I know coming to my blog and going over with me our loss of Levity may not likely be your idea of a good time or read.   At the same time, I hope there is something useful and positive that you can take away from it.)  This week, while Ahmis is on vacation, we were to have Levity staying with us… like many times before.  It’s sort of a double-impact in that she’s gone and we don’t have Levity to keep us company with her silly funny girl antics and sweet giant dog cuddles.
My brother-in-law, Stephen, wrote this to me in an email: “…just let me be encouraging that you should let Levity be part of the property and see her in it as she was. It still belongs to her and to you, to no one and everyone, and meanwhile it’s in the keeping of y’alls! There will be days when you see her there less, some days more, and days when you won’t think about it at all. It’s all good! It might be eerie but that’s not necessarily bad. Think Natural!” His words struck me… especially the “let Levity be part of the property and see her in it as she was…”

Levity’s death created so much emotion in me.  I harbor a devastation and anger that she died and is gone (and that I can’t do a damn thing about it!).  I feel a quaking fear and apprehension at the frailty of life and the suddenness and finality of death.  I stand in amazement and gratitude of the power of loving friendships and the innocence and healing available in living in this moment… this lesson being taught to me by my amazing teacher, Amira.

I think the surrealness of the last week was enhanced by a major weather shift — cool days and cold nights have arrived.  There are stormy, dramatic skies with dark clouds drifting past.  The wind has kicked up and things feel tumultuous. It feels fitting for mourning.  Yet, in this last week, even the weather is conspiring to bring about healing, hope and love in me.  I saw four rainbows in the course of three days.  The first two were on Thursday - and beautiful full-arc double rainbow.  One rainbow was rich and deep in color, the second bright but more subdued.  The skies were still dark and intense with rain sprinkling down on our heads.  At the same time, the sunshine lit up the evergreens and the colors of the rainbow glowed brightly.  I can still see it so clearly.  The third and fourth rainbows were Saturday morning - farther away than the first two, but just as beautiful.

I can’t remember the last time I saw I rainbow.  Thinking on it, four rainbows in three days?  That has to be a Gift.