Night before last, an image came into my mind of daffodils.  It came to me while Paul was praying with and for me for peace.  I was going in for a medical test and was afraid.  The image was clear and strong.  I was given a spiritual bouquet of daffodils.  The anxiety I had prior to the prayer and the bouquet was near to overwhelming and after… released.

I found myself curious about what daffodils mean, and did a little research.  The first definition I found resonated with me.

Daffodils symbolize rebirth and new beginnings.  Lore connecting the daffodil to not only a sign of winter’s end but a lucky emblem of future prosperity.  It is the March birth flower (*interestingly, March is my birth month).

This means as much to me about my life and where it is headed as it does about my concerns and challenges with my health.  They are tied together, inseparable. Regardless of the outcome of the tests, this symbolism was and is a perfect, loving and supportive message to me.

I also searching on the spiritual meaning of daffodils and found:

Daffodils have meanings of faith, honesty, truth, forgiveness, and forthrightness.  They are ever vigilant in returning each spring, and with their return we are reminded that their beauty is capable of following on the shirttails of even the harshest winters (or tribulations).

- and -

The daffodil is symbolic of the power of inner beauty and the clarity of thought.  It reminds us that clarity of thought makes our whole world change and it makes many decisions easier of they are not over analyzed but instead clarified and soundly resolved.

“Their beauty capable of following on the shirttails of even the harshest winters (or tribulations)…” Much of this season of life that I’ve been living in has felt, truthfully, ugly to me.  And at my darker moments, I’ve despaired of either my life or of me ever being beautiful again.  This definition interprets like a promise… and promise rooted and birthed in faith, honesty, truth, forgiveness and forthrightness.

“…clarity of though makes our whole world change…”  And in the darker moments, what I have lacked is clarity (and honesty) of thought.  So, again for me, this is yet another hope filled horizon in the symbolism.

Last, but not least, I found this beautiful William Wordsworth poem that is so worth sharing with you.  I hope you enjoy it.

“I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud” or “Daffodils”

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

Daffodils have never been my favorite flower, and I don’t see them being my favorite after this either.  And yet, they do now hold a special place and even more importantly, a loving and embracing message for me. I’m hoping that something in this message to me will be a valuable, sustaining and a loving and embracing message for you too.

After my “great declaration of 2009 that I must write”, I haven’t done much of it, have I? At least, not here. I have been writing in my journal and that’s been good. I also decided last week to take part in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).  This might be a little insane, but it feels like the right and good kind of insane.  If all of you, my sweet and dear readers, haven’t abandoned hope of updates on this site… I hope you start checking back in.  Your thoughts and comments are always so wonderful and welcome.

Weekend before last, Paul, Amira, Mom, Dad & I went to Whidbey Island.  We stayed at Fort Casey Inn. I have a lot of pictures from that weekend to share with you.

These are from the rocky and driftwood filled beach at Fort Casey.

We had the most perfect weather (well, except for not enough wind for kite-flying, which caused Paul a little frustration).

The beach was our next to last stop of the weekend.

Paul & I couldn’t remember when we had a weekend like this.  It was spiritually awakening, renewing, and energizing.  The beauty was nearly more than I could hold.

Amira spoke of never going home.

The weekend was filled with beautiful, sweet, peaceful, happy, and joyful moments.  One lapping on top of the other.

This morning, as Paul was leaving for work, I told him how wonderful it was that our family name has only become more appropriate and meaningful.  With each day, we have become more immersed in today, in now, in this and every moment.  We are so glad we are the Moments.

My friend Tabby and her husband Clyde came into town on Sunday for a short visit.  It was so good to see Tabby - it has been nearly 10 years.  MUCH, much too long!

Yesterday, we spent some time together leisurely walking through Port Gamble.

It was a perfect day with blue skies, light breezes and warm sunshine.

Tabby and I walked around with our camera snapping photos.  Port Gamble was incredibly photogenic.  With every click, she showed off for us.

Seems like a lifetime ago… but at the beginning of this month, Paul, Amira & I went to the zoo with my Dad and Uncle Preston.  We had a really great day.  I’m only posting these photos now because I’ve been without Photoshop for a while now… and I just got it re-installed!  Yay!  More photos coming soon!

Here are a few highlights of our day:

Elephants are amazing, aren’t they? They are other-planetary, other-worldly, other-other, to me.  I look at them and see a creature that lives in a place I’ll never see or understand.  It’s hard to explain. In seeing them, I feel like I can see a reflection or a shimmer of light from the world they live in and experience, but I can’t actually know it.  Just beautiful.

Speaking of other-worlds, the sea otter. They transport me to a place of happiness and play.

The penguins. What a brilliant exhibit that lets the kids and the penguins interact like this!

Amira with two of her favorite men in the world - Uncle Preston and Papa!  She’s got good taste! 

This lovely restored carousel at the zoo is an irresistible magnet for Amira. Her ever-awesome Uncle Preston treated her to a ride.  You can see, it was a hit!

The ride home was no less perfect!

It’s been just over a week since my surgery. I went in, last Wednesday morning, very nervous and literally shaking. As they sat in me in the chair, hooked up the heart monitors, put me on an IV, I reminded myself to breathe. I watched my quickened heart beats on the monitor and willed it to slow. I didn’t have any success.

The doctor finally appeared and asked how I was doing. I mumbled something about as good as could be expected given the circumstances. He smiled and ran over one more time what was going to be done and how I would feel after I woke up from the anesthesia. I don’t remember getting sleepy or falling asleep.

I woke up to the doctor talking to me. They were finishing up something and he was telling me about it, but I have no idea what they were doing or even what he said. I can’t remember. I was shaking. I woke up terribly cold. Apparently, that’s normal.

The good news, the surgery was predicted to last 1-1/2 to 2 hours. I was done in an hour. My post-op pain was minor. It wasn’t until the 3rd day post op that I stopped focusing on my mouth and the soreness I felt. That day, the swelling had subsided enough that I could attempt a smile. And by myself, in front of the mirror behind the closed bathroom door, I did.

I have a confession. Prior to the surgery, I took photos of myself. I took them into Photoshop and tried to mimic what I might look like after the surgery. I blacked out the teeth I knew I was going to lose. I wanted to prepare myself.

Standing in the bathroom, looking at my smile, Photoshop or not, I wasn’t prepared. My heart sank and my stomach felt like it would turn inside out. It was worse, especially on the right side. My profile was horrible. I felt sick. The next two days, I talked with my lips pulled close together and my smiles clamped tight.

I won’t lie. I hate it. I can’t tell you how much. But, sometime over the weekend… I decided I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t shut down. It felt unnatural and worse it felt deadening. I’m an animated person. I love to smile and laugh. It’s what makes my life beautiful.

Over the last 5 days, I’ve smiled, laughed and been with my family, my friends, the cashier at the grocery store, the co-worker from Paul’s work and so on. I have twinges and pangs here and there. I feel the urge to pull back. But I don’t and I won’t. I still hope and pray that implants are possible and in my near future. But until then…

I’ll smile and love my life.

I can’t say thank you enough to my wise and beautiful friends who counseled and encouraged me. I’m doing, what not even a month ago, seemed to be impossible. I couldn’t imagine it. Yet, here I am. Thank you!

Last week was a very difficult week for Paul & I. We pulled together the resources to get into our dentist for comprehensive dental examinations. The news for Paul wasn’t good.  The news for me was horrible.

This week, our friends Dana & Auguste decided to do something.  I’m speechless:

From Dana:

Today I’m very happy to introduce my Friend Of A Friend Healthcare Initiative.

There are over 44 million Americans who are without healthcare. You know some of them. They are your coworkers, your friends, your family - maybe even you.

Today I’m coming to you on behalf of my own friends, Janece and Paul, who find themselves in the middle of a serious dental health crisis without the resources to pay for medical treatment.

We can’t immediately help everyone, but we can make a difference for their family, and maybe many others.

Click here to learn more about how you can help!

For the first time in 13+ years, our home lacks for a feline presence. Two weeks ago, Sabu’s body finally gave way even though our sweet boy’s spirit never did. He was a smart, happy, vibrant spirit from the day we met him until the day he died. I haven’t written about his death until now because I couldn’t find the words. I want to tell you all about him - his soft silky fur, his soothing rumble when he purred, his warning system when you annoyed him, his incredibly smart and empathetic personality and everything else that made him so dear to us. But what I need to write about right now is his death.

On the day Freeni died, I had just put Amira down for her nap. I was tired too - so I decided that I would have Freeni nap with me on the couch. Freeni’s hind legs hadn’t worked for a little while, so I would pick him up and bring him out onto the deck with me to soak up the warm sunshine. Other times, I would hold him while we napped together. Sometimes he enjoyed laying on the floor in the living room, just to be more a part of the day-to-day life. Most of the time though, unless he was being held, he preferred the safety, quiet and solitude of the large closet we outfitted especially for him. When he lost his sight, large rooms, the noises of the dogs and Amira would make him nervous.

The night before he died, something subtly shifted in his condition and Paul & I could tell that it was time. Saddened but accepting, we agreed to make plans to take him into the vet over the weekend. The next day, when I picked him up, I could tell he was agitated. Something was bothering him… not so much pain as a sense of overall disorientation. I scooped him up and held him close as I walked to the couch. His muscles were stiff and he pushed as though he wanted to get away. I figured he was afraid. I curled up on the couch in such a way to give him the greatest sensation of safety and comfort. I pet him and spoke to him softly, promising him that he was in a safe place, that he was okay and that I loved him. After about fifteen minutes of this, he relaxed into my arms. He purred quietly and leaned his head into my hand as I pet him. He moved his body so that he could tuck his head into the nook of my neck. Happy he was feeling settled and at peace, I fell asleep with his warm body against me, his purr vibrating softly and his head tucked under mine.

I woke up an hour later and Freeni was snoring lightly. I pet him a few times and the snoring stopped. I lay there for about a half hour just being with him. Then Amira woke up from her nap. I moved slowly and gently to minimize any concern or fear Freeni might feel from moving. When he didn’t respond, I rightly suspected that he was close to dying. Looking back, I believe Freeni had slipped into a pre-death coma.

I didn’t want to put him down, so I didn’t. Ahmis came home and when she came up to visit… I whispered to her that Freeni was dying. She stayed with me.

With Ahmis by my side, Freeni died in my arms around 4:30pm.

There’s no over sentimentalizing death when you are there when it happens. It’s not graceful. Nothing about it feels right. Even so, Freeni’s death was as right as it could have been.  What makes me happy in the midst of my sadness and tears is to think of him whole and playing in the sunshine. His spirit was too big to be housed in a broken body. I’m so grateful he fell into his first sleep curled up with me. I’m thankful that he also fell into his final sleep with me. I miss him so much.

I have a few more pictures from this evening to share soon.  We spent the evening eating our dinner picnic style, swaying on swings, climbing ropes, putting our toes into warm sand and cold, cold water.

For those of you who continued to check in - thanks.  I’m grateful to be back after a long two week wrestle match with some nasty malware that appears to have overwrote critical system files.  When getting rid of the malware, I got rid of files needed to run my machine smoothly.  It all ended in having to back up my files, wipe the hard drive and start over.  I wish I done it a week and a half ago - but I kept thinking: ‘this time, this time I’ll fix it and it’ll all be up and running again’.  One of those live and learn moments, I suppose.

Despite the fact that Mother Nature is messing with us by bringing snow, rain, wind and cold these first two days of April… thanks to Ahmis, it’s springtime in the Moment home!  Last weekend, Ahmis trimmed her cherry tree back and offered me an enormous vase to fill up with branches upon branches of trimmings. I put them in water and in two short days, we have this!

Amira & I enjoy telling each other how beautiful the flowers are.  She makes me laugh when she sniffs them and tells me that they smell like tortillas.  I have giggled too each time she’s given herself a startled tickle on the nose by diving in too close to the blooms.

So, happy spring everyone, even if Mother Nature isn’t quite yet in the mood…

Amira & watched the rain turn to snow this morning. Not only did it turn to snow, but it came down in the largest, most beautiful flakes I think I’ve ever seen.

A lot of folks were annoyed that it was snowing, yet again. I really couldn’t find it in myself to feel that way. Amira was delighted, I was delighted and the beauty of the snow fall was ’stop-in-your-tracks’ stunning.

The snow is covering that beautiful knit cap on Amira’s head. I’ll have to take another picture so you can really appreciate it. Our beautiful and dear friend Wave made it for Amira. It’s a work of art. Just beautiful.  (Thanks again, Wave!)

I went for a walk this afternoon. The dogs came with me.  They played rough and tumble, faking and then dashing another way. They play when it is just the two of them, but it seems to delight them even more to play when I’m with them.  Spine, Ahmis’s beautiful black cat, joined us for the walk. Spine makes me smile and laugh the way he can send Chaya running the other way with just a turn of his head.

I set out with my camera.  It was cold, but the sunshine was out and I thought it would be a good chance to take some photos.  It was.  I took quite a few.  They will show up here, I’m sure.

But what I couldn’t take my eyes off of today was the water.

The wind played on the surface of the water, while the sun, sky and earth took their turn at splashing their color onto the watery canvas.

The patterns, textures, and colors changed so quickly that it was likely walking through an art museum trying to take in thousands of masterpieces before they took down the display.  The watery art was created so effortlessly, quickly and then would disappear before I had a chance to take in my next breath.

As I started toward home, I walked slowly with my eyes closed.  I turned my face to the sun. I breathed the fast, crisp air.  I soaked, splashed and played in the moment. I wish you could have been there with me.

I’m late in getting these interview questions answered - but I hear late is better than never.

1. My family and I are fascinated by the glimpses we have seen of your home, the area around it… What is it like where you live?

A year ago this past weekend, we moved from strip mall filled surburbia to the rural, farmland and forested Kitsap Peninsula. We are a ferry boat ride away from downtown Seattle.

I found the listing for the now affectionately named Loving-Moment Place on Craigslist.  The first time we drove on the property, we were immediately taken with the property.  When we came back for a second visit to meet Ahmis, we were giddy.

It’s hard to believe that we have been here a year.

What a gift this property, home and most of all, Ahmis has been. When I knew a move was going to happen, I prayed and hoped for a place for our family. I think I’ve confessed before that I have an unfortunate yet persistent misgiving that God, the universe, the fates don’t want to, or won’t give me what I ask for. So much so, that I plan mind games with myself that if I “don’t tell” then it can’t be taken it away or will somehow be “accidentally” given to me. I operate with the hope that I can fly under the radar. And yes, I totally hear how crazy-making this is!

And yet, in defiance of my own crazy monkey mind, I asked for a place that would bring us beauty, joy and peace. I asked for a place that would be good for Paul, Amira and Tova. I prayed for a place that would grow and challenge us. I asked for a place of rest and renewal.

I wasn’t baited and switched, I wasn’t tricked… we were graced with every last request.

We live on 2 1/2 acres with a lovely plake (my new term for a body of water somewhere in size between a pond and a lake). The lake is ringed with willow trees, cattails, blackberry bushes, pear trees, horsetails and grass. In the middle is a small island. Experiencing its various moods through each of the seasons is magical.

Spring

Summer

Fall

Winter

We live just a hop away from the Hood Canal.  On foggy nights, I’m lulled to sleep by the melancholy and mysterious tones of the fog horns.

As we drive around the peninsula, we have views of Mount Rainer, the Olympic Mountain Range and farmlands with cows, horses, llamas, sheep, ponies and donkeys.  Nearly every day, I drive up a short 5 minute hop to Port Gamble, a 150-year old logging town.  There are days where I can feel the history of the town in the air around me.  I feel as though I’ve been whisked into a time/space portal that allows me to see and feel, all at once, today and the many, many yesterdays of this town.

As I’m answering this question, I’m sitting at our kitchen table looking out the sliding glass door onto the pond.  The ducks are cruising, bobbing, and flapping on the water… leaving wakes and ringed rippled patterns.  I couldn’t be luckier.

So, that, dearest Natalie and dear readers, is a little peek into where we live.  There’s so much more to share and so much I haven’t seen in the short year I’ve lived here.  I’ll do my best to show more views of this amazing corner of the PNW in the coming days.

Questions 2-5 to follow… 

When I take long breaks from blogging, I tend to end up in a cycle of ennui and writer’s block.  It suddenly becomes “a thing” to write a post.  And then I start down a ridiculous mental road about how I don’t know what to write.  Sheesh.  Silly.

I have finally kicked the flu bug that I caught at Christmas.  What a tenacious and stubborn bug that was.  I think my body was finally able to kick it to the curb when I started eating more raw again.  My body definitely feels best when I’m eating around 75% raw.  Yesterday Paul & I both noted how much our bodies craved, just craved, vegetables.  As we drank our “green lemonade”, drank green smoothies and ate a delicious huge salad for dinner - we talked about how it all tasted and felt like medicine (in the best possible way).

The snow finally all disappeared last week.  I love being able to get out and about without difficulty - but I miss the beauty and magic snow brings to the landscape.

The last few days, we have traded the snow for moody and mystical fog.  Where the snow brought magical wonder and beauty… the fog, hanging in shivery cold pockets, the fog holds in it a hopeful mystery.

Okay, that’s the first post after being away… should be easier again from here on out.